Tale of Two Desires
You know those life changing moments when your spirit struggles between 2 dreams? Just yesterday I was crying to the man while trying to plan my week. How in the world am I going to juggle all these balls? The over achiever in me wants them all done well. I hate half-assing anything! After a yoga session this morning and a good night sleep, I feel better. Not so overwhelmed, but still, how am I going to pull this off?
For years and years I have had a dream of empowering women to accept themselves more and deal with the skeletons that threaten to spill out of the proverbial closet. This summer it was like the heavens opened and I caught a glimpse of my future. It left me awestruck and humbled. For the first time I could see the vehicle for this dream. Enter stage left, another ball to juggle. Can you see the panic on my face?
I feel this struggle of getting what fills my soul and yet giving my family all that they deserve. When I was pregnant 13 years ago, I felt called to break the family cycle. This theme has dictated most of my life since. It’s the reason I became a stay at home mom. It’s the reason I have read so many parenting books and studies. It’s the reason we are such a closely connected family who does almost everything together.
The desire to empower women has been rumbling under the surface for many many many years with no avenue to come to the surface, until this summer. Now I feel like Gumby pulled between two callings that are rooted so deep within me, they both scream for attention.
Before you tell me to prioritize, I will tell you, I have. Daily I have to choose between validating my soul’s desires, and all the other stuff of life. It’s more than a career and children. I can understand why nuns don’t have families! Their calling is so deep, they simply don’t have the time to divide their attention. That is how deeply I feel about these competing callings!
On one hand I feel to be a “good” mom I have to do this for my children, or teach them that. If I don’t, I get that look….if you are a mom, you know that disapproving look people give. Sure, I might not always make the best choice, I’ve got a lot I’m working with here. My parenting may be unconventional, but it’s backed by science. Cut me some slack, better yet, offer me some help. Above all, please don’t cause me to have to justify myself. I will get lost in the details of studies and science. Your face will glaze over and I will probably forget an important paper I’m supposed to sign. I love geeking out on why I do what I do, I’m happy to chat, just please remove the judgy face before you ask.
Not only am I trying to avoid having to pay for therapy for my children, I am also trying to avoid going back myself. I have to feed my soul. It’s when I feel alive, that I am on this planet for a purpose and not a mistake. I may not be able to attend every event, or move as fast as you do with your business. I may even forget to respond to an email once in a while. If I were to list for you all my commitments, you would probably see my life is a little full. I don’t like doing this because it reminds me about all those balls I am trying to juggle. I like to take it one day at a time and move forward consistently. I can’t afford to stay up until 2 am editing then wake up a couple hours later to get my kids off to school. Understand that sometimes I wish I had no drive and could just be content at home all day.
I have these dulling drives that constantly battle for attention. Can you relate? Do you secretly cry and wonder if you can pull it all off? Are you a master juggler with the experience of handling more than one deeply rooted drive?